Today I renewed my subscription to New Scientist in the hope that it will bring some inspiration and connection to the goings on in the outside world.
The candlelight has touched my life over the last few months. Warm, sparkly, kind and gentle. Not intrusive, but quiet and calm.
So much darkness came before, for almost two years I lived in darkness (literally and figuratively.) Insomnia kept me in darkness throughout the night, and drawn curtains during the day – desperately clawing at the diffused light for a scrap of sleep. But now to the candlelight.
Now that the light is part of my life – what will I do? I read blogs for inspiration, try to see what people in a similar situation do with their time, from where their fulfillment originates? How satisfaction in a new life is manifested? Here is the rub – it isn’t a new life. It is the same one, transformed, turned upside down and shaken ’till so many parts simply fell out – yes, it is the same life.
It has been suggested (by someone who does not know me very well) that my satisfaction should be derived from my role as a wife and mother. I’ve already watched that concept destroy scores of women thrust into such a life. Some are cut out for it, and a slight wedge of envy creeps in when I think of them. Sadly, the cut of my jib does not lend itself to such a life.
So what is it that will be just for me?
It was riding. Riding cleared my mind, allowed me to focus wholly on something ‘outside’ the consequential. That has had to stop.
It was my work. That has had to stop. Work was all about someone other than me. Delivering positive change in my community. Inspiring different points of view – to look beyond the obvious. To innovate and create opportunity.
I can’t allow it to be renovating – that sits too comfortably alongside the wife/mother suggestion. When I think of home renovation as a mode of fulfillment I always think of the movie The War of the Roses (which is almost impossible to find on DVD). When I’ve finished renovating/decorating – what then do I have? Besides, finances/physicality will not allow.
So what will it be?
It won’t be travelling. With so much of my financial situation up in the air, it simply isn’t practical on a financial level, without a consideration of the physical/logistical conundrums.
What will it be?
I think at the moment it is Words With Friends.
What will it be? The question resurfaces again and again. (I like the word ‘resurface’ – it can be the refurbishment of a facade, it can be a kind of reawakening, a rebirth. A coming up from the depths. Yes, I will allow and encourage the question to resurface again and again in the hopes that eventually, I will resurface.)
While the candlelight is gentle and forgiving, and makes even the dullest diamonds sparkle, my chaos is lacking. Today is Melbourne Cup Day. The race that stops a nation. Those horses run their hearts out – not because they have to, or particularly want to – they do it because their riders ask it of them. Pushing through the pain barrier, they stride on with everything within their powerful and graceful bodies. I’m seeking just a drop of that energy and commitment in my chaos. Just to balance the wonderful candlelight that has brought me closer to the surface.